by IE Castellano
“Baubles bringing you down? Has your jingle lost its jangle? Bows have you in knots? Is cheer a challenge? Milk and cookies souring on the mantle? Are you finding that giving the perfect gift has left you listless?
“Yes, with frosty days and icicle growing nights, a new bird is here to stay. Silver bells ring on street corners and in front of shops. Toys fill the stores. Candy canes hang from branches. Holly wreaths decorate doors. Mistletoe dangles where all can see. Nutcrackers guard everything sweet.
“Yet sometimes, rosy cheeks fail to glow. Eggnog misses the mark. Garland falls off the railings. Jack Frost nips the nose a tiny too hard.
“Do not fret! When standing in lines for hours ceases to delight, it’s easy to keep your stockings hanging with care.
“Introducing Holiday Joy! One dose will have you seeing red and green. With regular use this holiday season, all that’s tinsel will sparkle. Little lights will twinkle in your eyes.
“Enjoy roasting chestnuts again! Dance with sugarplums! Build gingerbread castles! Drive your sled down the silver lane!
“For only twelve easy payments of fifty-five eighty-eight, you, too, can re-light the joy of the season. But wait! If you act now, we’ll take off an entire payment, making it just eleven easy payments of fifty-five eighty-eight.
“But that’s not all! With your order of Holiday Joy, you’ll receive a bonus bottle of Holly Jolly instant spray. Small enough to carry in your purse or pocket. And simple to use! Just one squirt will restore your Ho, Ho, Ho. Spritz in the mall or while waiting for that parking space.
“Say good-bye to fruitcake filled nights. Sail away from that misfit island. Clatter those sleigh bells with Holiday Joy!
“And if you call in the next thirty minutes, we’ll double the offer! That’s two Holiday Joys and two bottles of Holly Jolly instant spray! Keep one for yourself and give a friend Holiday Joy this year. Reclaim your inner elf. Only pay additional shipping and handling.
“Whoa! Hold your horses! Who can forget their pets this season of giving? Ask your operator about Reindeer Magic. Safe for dogs, cats, and ferrets. Reindeer Magic has dogs wagging their tails in three quarter time and cats purring Bing.
“Do not delay! Order now!
“Operators are standing by. Sorry, no C – O – Ds. Add seven ninety-nine for shipping and handling. In Pennsylvania, Connecticut, New Jersey, Vermont, Texas, North Carolina, Idaho, Maryland, and California, include applicable sales tax. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. For priority overnight arrival, add fourteen seventy-five. Gift wrapping available upon request. Joy and jolliness guaranteed to work within five minutes directly following use.
“Holiday Joy side effects include making snowmen, singing carols, drinking hot chocolate, and rocking around the tree. See your doctor if these symptoms persist beyond January sixth.”